Without You !!!

It has been an year Nana since you last held my hand to cut my birthday cake. You were still around, not fully conscious but there for us, trying hard to not let anyone down... but then on 17th June 2017, I took my first breath on this earth without you. I don't remember my first birthday but I can see the photos and match the enthusiasm you would have had. In my polka dot frock and tightly tied hair by my grand-ma I was so happy to have everyone around. The stories told by mummy(grand-ma) and you allows me to visualize my childhood. I am glad that I don't belong to the age of videos and I still remember my childhood as fresh as yesterday's tale. I know how you would have emotionally requested my mom & dad to let me stay with you, I know how I would have happily spent my days, I know how I used to throw tantrums and I know how gently I was handled, I know how all of you rejoiced my stay every single day and I know how I was raised as a princess of the king. I can see myself calling my mom by her name, I can see scolding her for teasing me, I can see mummy(grand-ma) singing for me, I can see my uncles pampering me for the whole day, I can see me feeling restless on some days, I can see you soothing me and laughing with me, I can see myself going to the school for the first time, I can see all of me with all of you and mummy(grand-ma). And then I go to the times where I remember my first lesson as a grown up to never give up, I remember you correcting my English, specially the use of "did" in a sentence, I remember you encouraging me to go for walks, I remember you teaching me the right speed to march with my hands and legs for better blood circulation, I remember you giving articles from newspaper to understand and write on my own, I remember you playing badminton with me, I remember you lifting me up on your shoulders with joy, I remember you encouraging me for my intelligence, I remember you for pointing out the lack of determination in me, I remember you grooming me, I remember you loving me... And further I smile looking at us watching cricket and listening to commentary over the radio, I smile looking at us writing essays together, I smile looking at us making paper boats and playing in the rain, I smile looking at your happiness with every small or big achievement of mine, I smile thinking of the time when you taught me to stand every time I hear national anthem, I smile for the time when you refused to sign my fake leave application, I smile for having you in my life... And the best part of all these memories is that each moment stays forever as fresh as new as pure.

You were there during those sleepless night when I was not well, you were there when the last school bell rang, you were there with tears in your eyes when I took the decision to move ahead for studies, you were there when I wanted to convey my psychology to my parents, you were there for my each step at school, you were there when I made my place in extra-curricular activity in college, you were there when I was crying, you were there when I was giggling... You were just there... Always there.

You are such an inspiration... Your struggle in life and then to shine so bright has always pushed me through rough patches... Your journey from being a teacher to Sr ADM... Your brilliant writing skills... Your British English and the story behind... Your effort to keep the family intact... I try to follow all that I know about you... From your hard work to your yoga style... From your honesty to your liberty... From your gardening skills to your love for food... Every single thing in you had something to learn from... And we are proud to protect everything about you not only for us but for generations to come...

There has been not a single day since you left us that I have not spoken to you.. I know your moral support is always there... I am blessed to preserve the letter written by you during my college day... I know you are still smiling at my success and guiding me on my failure... but I miss hugging you Nana... I miss sitting next to you in the verandah... I miss listening your childhood stories... I miss you teasing me... I miss the tap on my head... I miss your way of holding my hand and trying to explain tough phases... I miss discussing Ganguly and Sachin... I miss listening to Atal Bihari Vajpayee with you... I miss your funny dreams... I miss you scolding me... I miss your innocence... I miss your response to my talks... I miss your laughter Nana... I miss the sound you made from your tongue and teeth... I miss you Nana... I miss you !!!

The Shape that shapes You !!!

In the middle of the day when the sun was shining bright and trees were standing still, I was counting my steps and the time to cover one round of the walking plaza in the office. My story is of a chubby girl who still doesn’t know when she moved from being cute to being awful for the very same reason while growing up. This incidence happened long back when I was in the first standard. We were having frog race on Childrens’ Day and since I was not a sport friendly person I stood last, honestly I was near to the start line when my other mates reached the finish line. There were laughing faces and teasing tongues for my poor performance which was directly linked to my fat appearance. The impact was pretty high on this 5-year-old shy kid that led her to shift the focus on studies and cultural activities. I didn’t know what could have been the best way to fight back and I never shared it with anyone to get some insight. I was doing pretty average in all cultural events until the time I was asked to leave a dance show organised by my seniors because my physical appearance was not a match in the group. Since then I became supremely conscious of my appearance and the dancer inside me died after the whole night crying session. I still remember my grandmother doing all possible home remedies to make me sleep as she knew the reason for my cry was stomach ache. Of course, I did give a try to losing weight. So far three times in my lifetime and I was quite a success to shed some 12-15 kg every time but have managed to gain them back with extra 3-5 kg as a bonus each time. But after all these years I am a sport in dance, I love fashion, I can talk my opinion, I jump without hesitation and can laugh on myself irrespective of the topic running on. But it took a lot to be here and I am yet to catch up on many…

Human, who claim their brain to be the most resourceful part has proved multiple times that they are also failed by the same. We live in a highly competitive world. Competition helps us to push our limits but who defines that limit.. In different stages and states of life we fall prey to the unknown stress caused by competition.. We set our own targets so as a result rejoice and fail ourselves.. Acceptance has become the most underrated word.. Let it not be one... Let us learn to accept who we are, let us learn to accept what people around us are, let us learn to accept our strength, let us learn to accept our weakness, let us learn to accept other’s happiness, let us learn to accept our sorrow.. Why do we get depressed when we fail in exam, why do we give up when we don’t get a job, why do we develop a vacuum when we have a failed relationship, why do we demean our faith when things doesn’t move our way.. We are here to live and not to rush.. We are in hurry for anything and everything... Good marks, safe job, true love, big house, luxurious car, more fame, high name… We are just not ready to keep patience for any of these and much more… There was once said that life is short but we are making it suffocating… We are the creator and the destroyer ourselves.

Rainbow and Sun, Rain and Kids, Beach and Sunset, Mountains and Sunrise, Ups and Down, Love and Music, Tea and Swing, Health and Happiness… Life is about many such combinations and beyond any limitation… The younger me taught the older me that giving it up is not an option but living it up is… Your appearance doesn’t represent you but your presence does… It is absolutely normal and amazing to be average and happy… Health is mightier than wealth… Whereas love is irreplaceable… So build a healthier tomorrow and spread love everyday… It’s no wrong to commit mistake but is a crime to stick to it… It’s no good to be unfair but is insane to afflict anyone… Let’s be a little careful on what shapes us internally as well… It’s good to be a work in progress… Cherish everything about it…Appreciate everyone... And let’s never stop… It’s the shape of the state of our mind which structures everything around us. Let the true self shine !!!